Dearest Northern One
Light in my darkness.
Counterpoint of my soul.
You have been here with me since the beginning.
Since that very first day when my world fell apart.
You have seen me at my very best and at my absolute worst.
By my side on the darkest of days.
You’ve gently cleaned the wounds that I’ve inflicted upon myself.
Held me while I’ve cried as though my heart might break.
Let me scream at you,
Waited patiently until I’ve exhausted myself.
Always accepted my apologies instantly.
Never holding anything against me, even though I would have understood if you did.
Making me feel as though my fears are important.
Never making me feel silly or small.
A waste of space.
Not once have you been angry with me.
Or suggested that I just need to pull myself together.
Instead you give me the time and space I need to return to myself.
To try and work out how to set myself upon the road to recovery.
Even though I have no idea where to begin.
You tell me that we’ll figure it out together.
That I will never have to do this on my own.
That I will never be alone.
Even when I feel as though I may drown in the darkness.
All I have to do is reach out my hand and you will be there.
Refusing to let me sink.
To lose me.
I try to see myself as you do.
Looking for the things you say that you can see.
But I can’t find them.
I’m not sure they’re really there.
Yet you keep telling me they are.
Even on the days when I feel ugly and repulsive.
Inside and out.
I know that the force of my self-hatred upsets you.
That you worry that one day I will hurt myself for the final time.
That I will die at my own hand.
More than once you’ve made me promise that I would never leave you.
That I would never do anything that would take me away from you.
That I would never go where you couldn’t follow.
But I wasn’t sure if I meant it.
Not because of you but because of me.
Because I honestly thought that you would be happier with someone else.
Someone who wasn’t me.
I was so sure that you stayed with me out of some misguided sense of duty.
Because I was the mother of your child.
Not wanting to leave because I was so unwell.
So reliant on you for everything.
Not because you wanted to stay.
More than once I have planned how to take my own life.
Wanting to make the minimum amount of fuss and mess.
Not wanting you or anyone else to have to find me.
You don’t deserve that.
No one deserves that.
I planned how I would leave in the middle of the night.
How I would get into my car and drive until no one could find me.
I was so close.
Yet something keeps me here.
I am too selfish to leave you.
Too afraid to venture into the unknown without you by my side.
To hold my hand.
Telling me how brave I am for simply living each day when life is so difficult.
To love me.
I don’t know if there is a life beyond this one.
If there is anything more after we close our eyes for the final time.
I don’t want to find out without you.
I love you.
I need you.
You have given me so much,
You deserve so much more,
So much better.
But I can give you this one thing.
That I will never end my own life.
Never go where you can’t follow.
All my Love