Depression is…

Depression is … a little voice inside your head that sounds exactly like your own, telling you that you are fat and ugly, stupid and useless and you believing every word.

Depression is … truly believing that you are undeserving of love and not ever questioning why that might be.

Depression is … inherently knowing that you are one of the worst people to have ever been born and not understanding why no one else seems to see what you know to be true.

Depression is … seeing everything through a grey fog until you can’t remember what it was like to see real colours.

Depression is … wishing you never had to spend another day on your own whilst knowing that the company of others is one of the most stressful things in the world.

Depression … knowing that if you start crying you might not be able to stop.

Depression is … being too numb and empty for tears.

Depression is … hours spent sitting in the same position on the sofa because you don’t have the energy or the motivation to move.

Depression is … eating junk food until you feel sick because you’re trying to fill an emotional hole with food, despite knowing that it will never work.

Depression is … staring at your reflection in the mirror with genuine disgust.

Depression is … saying things to yourself that you would never even think about saying to anyone else.

Depression is … understanding what hatred really is.

Depression is … being too frightened to answer the phone because you’re convinced that the person calling is going to tell going to be angry with you for something.

Depression is … being helpless with rage and yet not even having the energy to scream.

Depression is … battling with an enemy that never eats or sleeps, that you can’t see or build defences against, and whose sole purpose is your complete and utter destruction.

Depression is … exhaustion from fighting an endless, invisible fight with yourself.

Depression is … trying to manage each day with a head full of concrete and limbs that feel as though you’re trying to walk through treacle.

Depression is … convincing others that depression is an illness just as real as cancer or diabetes, whilst not actually believing it to be true for yourself.

Depression is … torturing yourself because you are so sure that if you could just try harder and be better, you could somehow break free.

Depression is … being randomly stabbed with little shards of embarrassment and shame that leave you feeling sick and shaky inside.

Depression is … being terrified of things that you cannot name and that you know aren’t real but being more afraid of them than anything else in the world.

Depression is … seeing taking a shower as a victory whilst at the same time despising yourself for not being able to manage ‘normal’ things that everyone else does.

Depression is … knowing that every day they spend away from you is one more day that you can’t damage them with your mere presence.

Depression is … making yourself bleed because you are afraid that you’ve forgotten how to feel.

Depression is … trying to cover the scars from injuries that you inflicted upon yourself because you believe that you deserve to be punished.

Depression is … refusing to tell your partner where you hid the razor blades because you know that they’ll take it away to stop you from hurting yourself.

Depression is … trying to make someone understand that everything is your fault and being unable to understand why they don’t agree with you.

Depression is … listening to people telling you that you are worth something as a person but being completely unable to believe them.

Depression is … looking at something logically and then dismissing it if it doesn’t fit in with your own negative self image.

Depression is … knowing that the most terrifying thing is not pain or misery or loneliness or feeling everything too much, but not feeling anything at all.

Depression is … making plans to run away so that no one else has to live you even though the thought of leaving breaks your heart.

Depression is … making promises to your loved ones that you know you might not be able to keep.

Depression is … filling your body with chemicals and being willing to have electrical currents passed through your brain in an effort to find some relief.

Depression is … reaching out to others and endlessly searching for help whilst not actually believing that you deserve it.

Depression is … being terrified that everyone will leave you while at the same time wishing that they would.

Depression is … nights staring at the ceiling because the sleep that you so crave has deserted you.

Depression is … mornings where you are unable to get out of bed because you just cannot face the day, because today will be the same as yesterday and tomorrow will be the same as today.

Depression is … learning to hate the days where you feel even remotely normal because you know that they will go away.

Depression is … blaming your mental health entirely on yourself, despite friends, family, colleagues and healthcare professionals constantly providing evidence to the contrary.

Depression is … evenings spent counting out little white tablets into your weekly medication organiser whilst wondering how many of them it would take for everything to just stop.

Depression is … trying to sleep whilst your mind whispers how much better everyone else’s lives would be without you.

Depression is … being afraid of monsters under the bed, except the monster is yourself and it’s inside your head.

Depression is … knowing that despite taking your medication, attending therapy and doing everything else that is asked of you, you probably won’t ever get better.

Depression is … trying to make yourself well, not for yourself but because you know that by being ill you suck the joy out of the lives of those around you.

Depression is … knowing that you will look back on your life with regret.

3 thoughts on “Depression is…

  1. Heart Gardening says:

    Thank you for your honesty. I related to much of your post. This depression I’m in now will pass. It’s hard while I’m in it but they always improve. It’s hard to believe it when in it but it will get better.

    Like

  2. La Quemada says:

    Healing is… learning that some of the things you think about yourself are not reality.

    Healing is… learning to approach yourself with some of the same compassion that you show to your dearest friends.

    Healing is… knowing that you may suffer from depression all your life, but there are things you know how to do to make the episodes shorter and less frequent.

    Healing is… proactively making choices to increase the number of pleasant, happy, healthy things in your life, while reducing the number of negative things, even if it means ending a marriage or giving up a job.

    Healing is… a long journey with many missteps and confusing detours along the way.

    Healing is… possible.

    Please don’t give up! I have absolutely been where you are–in fact I spent much of the past two years there. But I do believe in healing and for now at least, feel better than I have in a long time. I wish the same for you in 2016.

    Liked by 2 people

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