There Will Always Be Room For You

My Darling Squidge

Before you were born I was determined that you wouldn’t sleep in bed with Daddy and me. This was partly because I was terrified of squashing you but also because I didn’t want us to be one of those families where everyone sleeps in the same bed for years, despite the parents being desperate for a bit of time and space to themselves. So Daddy and I decorated your lovely bedroom and placed your beautiful crib at the side of our bed so that when you were tiny you would be close to us but that you would also learnt to sleep on your own.

Then on that night after we bought you home and you wouldn’t go to sleep in your crib at the side of our bed I picked you up and cuddled you in our bed for the very first time. I barely slept that night because I was so frightened that you’d get too hot or that if I drifted off my arms relaxed and I would drop you. I kept trying to put you back in your crib but each time you cried and so in the end I resigned myself to the fact that, despite my plans, you were sleeping with me.

That first night seemed very long and in the morning both Daddy and I were exhausted but we had survived. You were fed and warm and safe and even though I knew that you would be safest sleeping in your crib, I was so happy that you had settled in my arms and gone to sleep with your face snuggled into my chest and your little head tucked under my chin.

After that first time I bought you into bed with me every morning after Daddy had gone to work. I would feed you and the put on some relaxing music and we would cuddle up together, just you and me, sometimes for hours. I didn’t sleep during those cuddles, instead I just lay there with my eyes closed, breathing in the smell of your soft baby hair and listening to the tiny, dreaming noises that you made.

As you got bigger, when you woke up in morning you wanted to start playing and exploring straight away. There were mornings when I would cry because I was so tired and I would have done almost anything to have just one more of those sleepy cuddles but at the same time I was so proud of the bright, independent little boy that you were becoming. But even though you’re growing so fast, there are still times when you need to snuggle up in bed with me with me as though you’re a tiny baby once more.

Last night you woke up and cried and when I went upstairs to your bedroom I found you standing up in your cot, still half asleep. You reached up for me and when I picked you up you buried your head into my shoulder and held onto me tightly. I thought maybe you’d had a bad dream or were just frightened from waking up in the dark so I asked you “Shall we go and cuddle in Mummy’s big bed?” I carried you across the landing, making sure that I left the light on and then we got into my bed . I tucked your blankets around you, made sure you had your teddy to snuggle and then I curled my body around you to keep you safe and protect you from anything that scared you.

I nestled my face in your soft hair, breathing you in and watching as your eyes grew heavy and you drifted back off to sleep. I thought back to those early days when I was first beginning to know you and learning what it meant to be your Mummy and how wonderful and difficult and heart breaking and life affirming the last 16 months have been. There have been days where I have watched you in wonder, nights where I have truly believed that my life was over and all the other times in between.

During my pregnancy I honestly didn’t know if my heart was big enough to love you or how on earth you were going to fit into my life. Becoming your Mummy hasn’t been easy and I still spend most days wondering whether I’m good enough or try hard enough or love you as much as you deserve. Each and every day is filled with joy and doubts and the nagging suspicion that, try as I might, my best efforts simply aren’t going to cut it.

I’m the first to admit that I’m doing this Mummy thing on a wing and a prayer, not knowing what the next day will bring, never mind the future. There are plenty of things that I don’t know about being your Mummy and I know that the day will come when you ask me something that I don’t know the answer to or you have a problem that I don’t know how to fix.

But there is one thing I know for certain and that is no matter how big and brave you become my darling, there will always be room in my arms, in my heart and in Mummy’s big bed, for you.

All My Love

Mummy

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Louise is a full time mum and a part time neonatal nurse who has battled depression for many years but particularly during her pregnancy. She lives with her husband (the Northern One) their little boy (Squidge) and their three guinea pigs who live in the kitchen.

Louise blogs at 23weeksocks (http://23weeksocks.com) about lots of different (and seemingly unconnected) topics that she’s passionate about, including mental health, antenatal depression, neonatal care and baby loss.

In 2015 she was shortlisted in the ‘Fresh Voice’ category for the BIB (Brilliance in Blogging) Awards and the ‘Bereavement Worker’ category for the Butterfly Awards. She was also one of the keynote speakers at BritMums Live reading’Twinkle Twinkle’ which was her account of caring for a premature baby on the day that he died.

11 thoughts on “There Will Always Be Room For You

  1. thenthefunbegan says:

    I was always so worried about losing the boundaries between my space and my child’s with No.1 son that I very rarely had him sleep in with me and only when he was in the first few months of his life. Now he is very independent about going to bed but I have changed with his little brother and I always had him on my bed or on me as a baby and now, at just turned three I am still getting into his bed with him at night (bottom bunk) and reading him stories and singing him to sleep. I feel like I may have short changed his brother now I think about it. This has prompted me to make more of an effort to read bedtime stories with him too – I’m afraid I have very much put his needs on the back burner since his brother came along – it’s really hard work catering for the needs of two – I’m sure I don’t know how people manage with big families! Thanks so much for linking up again Louise Xx #thetruthabout

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    • blopmamma2014 says:

      Even though I really want Squidge to understand the difference between his bed and our bed we still spend lots of time all snuggled up in the big bed having cuddles and reading stories. Squidge is still in a cot at the moment but I’m sure that when he goes into a proper bed I’ll spend many an evening in there with him.

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  2. wonderfulandaverage says:

    This is so lovely 🙂 my little boy is 16 months too and sleeps in a co-sleeper cot next to our bed, I absolutely love having him next to me and the sleepy cuddles but my husband is worried that he’ll never leave, haha!

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    • blopmamma2014 says:

      Before Squidge was born I was completely against a co-sleeper cot but if we ever have another baby it’s something I’ll seriously consider. So long as your little one sleeps alongside your bed as opposed to in it I’m sure you won’t have many problems. Thanks for reading.

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  3. Sadia says:

    How incredibly sweet! After my ex-husband and I divorced, my 6-year-old twins started finding their way back into my bed. Given all they’d been through, I didn’t fight it, but now that they’re 9, I’m encouraging them to spend more nights in their own beds. But yes, there’s always room for snuggles. Thanks for linking with #TwinklyTuesday.

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    • blopmamma2014 says:

      While I don’t want Squidge to get confused about which is his bed and which is ours, if he’s ill or unsettled cuddles always take precedence and we spend hours snuggled up in the big bed. The Northern One slept in his Mum’s bed after her divorce when he was a similar age to your twins. It took a little while but he grew out of it and was more than happy to sleep in his own bed. Thanks for reading.

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