Dear Squidge

Dear Squidge

Mummy’s bestest boy (remember Daddy is my handsome and you are my bestest).

I love you.

Life with mummy may not always be easy and there will be days when as hard as I try to explain you won’t really understand what’s going on but I will always, always love you and no matter what happens that will never change.

I need you to believe me implicitly when I say that me being ill is never every your fault or anything that you’ve done. Mummy’s tears are not because you’ve been bad or naughty or because mummy doesn’t want you or love you.

I promise that I will do my best to explain my illness to you in a way that you can understand and that I will try and shield you from the things that you’re just not old enough to process.

Mummy’s brain doesn’t always work the way that it’s supposed to and so I need to take medicines to help it to try and work properly.

Sometimes it might make me feel very tired or feel a bit scared and this sometimes makes me cry but please try not to let it scare you.

I know it isn’t nice to see anyone cry but I will always get better and I will always be happy again because there’s no way I could stay sad forever because I love you and daddy so much.

The tears, no matter how long they last for doesn’t mean that I’m not happy with my life with you and daddy

You are mummy’s most wonderful boy and daddy is mummy’s most wonderful man and that will never change.

I know that there have still been times when it’s been difficult.

I know there have been a lot of tears.

Mostly mine.

We got off to a shaky start.

I know there were times when I sat with you on my lap and I sobbed because I didn’t know how to comfort you and stop you from crying but that was never your fault.

I still burn with shame when I remember how I wanted to leave you behind at the hospital when you were only two days old.

I know I didn’t leave and that I went back for you when you cried but I will carry the guilt with me until the day I die.

There have been lots of ups and downs; some days have been so dark that I haven’t been able to see further than getting through the next hour but you’ve always been there, my little ray of sunshine.

One smile from you and it reminds me that I will see the sun again.

Like yesterday when not only did you invent the hilarious game of stealing socks from the maiden and crawling off as fast as you could whilst giggling madly but you also stole daddy’s shoe when I was in tears with such a cheeky look on your face that I couldn’t help but laugh.

That’s why I have the gorgeous professional photos you had taken at nursery hanging on the stairs so that the first thing I see when I go downstairs in the morning is your beautiful beaming smile.

I may not always be able to romp around on the floor with you or play games that require lots of energy but I will always be interested in what you’re doing and talk to you about it even if I can’t join in.

The last few days I’ve had to take some extra medicine that has made me quite groggy and sleepy but I’ve still played with your cars when you’ve bought them to me so that I’ll roll them down the sofa cushions.

I may have felt quite ill and panicky but I still wanted to play with you and make you smile and giggle.

No matter how ill I feel if you bring me one of your books I will always read it to you and I will always be able to tell you one of the Harry the Seagull stories that grandma used to tell me when we were on holidays. They might not be as good as hers but I’ll still give it a go.

When you come home from nursery or school I will always be waiting at the door to give you a big cuddle and tell you how pleased I am to see you and ask you about your day. I know you’re far too little to talk yet but I still ask you what you’ve done and no matter how bad I feel or how difficult my day has been I always want to know that you’ve had a lovely day.

I’ll admire anything that you’ve made a bought home with you, like the biscuits you made at nursery today my clever little boy. I’m eating the one shaped like a star now and it’s very tasty.

I’ll always be proud of the things that you make, that’s why we have your paintings up all over the kitchen wall where everyone can see them and I’ve put the cards you made in frames.

Every time I see them they make me smile and they remind me how lucky I am to have such a lovely, generous little boy who makes such wonderful things for me.

Because I am lucky, so incredibly lucky to have you even though the whole time I was pregnant I couldn’t see how anything could every be right again.

You’re going to be one on Monday and we’ve been a little family of three for nearly a year and I’m so looking forward to your first birthday.

I can’t wait to see your little face when you see your cake and presents and the balloons that grandma has bought to decorate the living room with. It will be such a lovely, special day all about you and how, in spite of everything our first year with you has been amazing

We’ve watched you grow from a tiny, spiky-haired little scrap who pulled his knees up so that the feet of his baby grow flapped around into a cheeky, giggling whirlwind who never stops babbling and exploring and trying to climb things.

I can’t believe that we made you, that someone so beautiful and so filled with joy came from something that was so difficult and painful.

Something that I honestly didn’t think I would be able to see through to the end.

But I did.

I fought on and even though it was the hardest thing that I every had to do it was also the best thing that I ever did.

Marrying daddy was so wonderful but it was also easy. When I looked at him and said my vows people said that they had never seen anyone so sure that what they were doing was right.

Having you and being your mummy wasn’t easy but it didn’t take long to know that it was right, it just took a little bit of time.

I didn’t love daddy the very first minute that I saw him and I needed time to get to know him in the same way that I needed to get to know you just a little bit first.

I will love him forever and ever just as I will love you.

All my Love, Always


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