Depression says…

Depression speaks to me every minute of every day, from the time I wake up until I eventually fall asleep.

Sometimes it whispers in my ear and sometimes it shouts so loudly the words reverberate inside my head and I’m sure that someone else must be able to hear them too.

Sometimes I am strong enough to block it out but other times no matter how hard I shake my head or cover my ears or turn up the television to drown it out I can still hear it.

Always depression is there, inside my head and I can’t escape.

It says that I am stupid and useless.

That I am weak and pathetic and feeble-minded.

That I am fat and ugly on the outside because I’m ugly on the inside.

That the only thing I can be relied on to do is fail.

That I feel panic and fear and sadness because I deserve to.

That everything that happens to me is entirely my fault.

But even though it says these awful things depression makes me believe that it tells me these things for my own good because I need to know how other people see me and what they really think of me so I don’t get false ideas about them actually liking me.

It would be so silly of me to think that colleagues and relatives and health professionals actually care; to think that they’re doing anything other than their jobs.

That when I was pregnant the various doctors and nurses and midwives and psychiatrists put in so much time and effort into trying to make me well because they knew that if they didn’t it was unlikely that Squidge would actually be born. That my GP and counsellor and health visitor are only trying to help now because otherwise any harm to Squidge will be on their heads.

Depression tells me that it is the only thing that really understands who I am and what I’m like and that’s the way it should stay. No one else really wants to know and they definitely don’t want to help, regardless of what they say.

I’ve spent so long being beaten down and crushed into submission that there are days where I just don’t have the strength to argue. The years I’ve spent with depression telling me these things means that I now believe them implicitly and I don’t even think about disagreeing because I know that depression says these things because they’re true.

Depression says…

You are horrible and hateful.

Yes depression, I am horrible and hateful.

People don’t really like you, they just help because they’re decent people and they feel obliged to.

No depression, people don’t like me.

You’re a terrible wife and mother; Squidge will grow up to hate you and the Northern One will resent you for everything you’ve put him through. The Northern One only stays with you because he’s become so entangled that he doesn’t know how to leave but one day he will.

I’m sure you’re right depression, you wouldn’t say these things if they weren’t true.

To be honest, you’re just a waste of space. People would be far better off if you weren’t here. and if you were gone the Northern One could find someone who deserves him and who could be a proper mum to Squidge

You’re right depression, I’m sure they would.

You’d better start making plans then hadn’t you? Just make sure you don’t make too much mess, you’re an enough of an inconvenience as it is.

I suppose I should depression, I’ll try and minimise any mess.

Don’t worry about upsetting anyone, they won’t shed any tears for you or miss you at all. They’ll just be annoyed about the extra work and the tying up of loose ends. Once that’s all over they’ll go back to their lives which will be so much better without you.

People tell me that I’m strong and brave; for being so open and for writing so honestly but depression’s voice is louder and it’s words are more convincing, almost beguiling. I accept compliments and say thank you for kind words but all the while depression tells me that people say things not because they mean them but because they feel pity for me.

Depression say things to me that, if I heard anyone else I knew saying them about themselves I’d do anything it took to help them get rid of such awful ideas about themselves because they simply aren’t true.

But for me it’s different.

I know these things are true.

Depression says so.


7 thoughts on “Depression says…

  1. Amber says:

    We have never met and probably never will, but I like you and would notice your absence from our Twitter world.

    I love how you write – you’re so eloquent. Your writing is kind and empathetic, interesting and relatable. You’re the kind of nurse that I would like to have around me if I were vulnerable. You’re the kind of friend that I would like to keep close – vulnerable, yes, but understanding and non-judgmental. Brave enough to face a world that isn’t always kind; people in denial of that fact don’t tend to make sympathetic friends in times of need. And I’ve never met a fellow horse-rider whom I didn’t like… there’s something about people who ‘speak horse’ that makes them a bit different.

    I hate that you feel this way but I’m so, so glad that you keep reaching out. KEEP reaching out. You are a valuable addition to this world, to your family, to the strangers who have never met you but have found your blog and enjoy your ‘voice’.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. tess says:

    I have two friends who suffered from severe PND. One wrote a book several years later called Black Rainbow about her experience. They are both the most wonderful conscientious mothers who cared deeply for their children and gave them so much hands on love. Their fault was never that they failed but they were too conscientious and thoughtful and expected far too much from themselves. Have compassion on yourself.
    Depression is also so much a chemical state of being. It is not you – it is really an altered brain chemistry in some instances that can be triggered by change and also the strain of caring deeply for another little person.
    Anxiety is a physical horror that grips you from within and people often don’t realise how physically depression affects us and how painful it is. Counselling is important but it is alright to try to tackle the physical symptoms with anti-depressants if that is what it takes to find a way out of the horrendous spiral of anxiety.


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