Just Older

“I like the bed I’m sleeping in, just like me it’s broken in. It’s not old, just older.”

I luffs Jon Bon Jovi, the Northern One introduced me to him (and rock in general). A few years ago he took me to one of his UK gigs where he (the Northern One not Bon Jovi) had a bit of a groupie moment

Rewind ten years to 2004, the same year I became acquainted with Bon Jovi and I was on top of the world. I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life, where I was going, how I was going to get there. I was slim, incredibly fit, had boobs that defied gravity and depression was something that happened to other people.

I was going to be a doctor in the army.

I’d been to Sandhurst.

I was going to see the world.

If I did get married I wasn’t bothered about a white wedding.

Jump back to 2014 and my life is nothing like the way I imagined it would be. I’m about twice the size I was, I need an armour plated sports bra to go running and sometimes I wee when I sneeze. I’ve spent the last ten years battling depression in various forms, I’m following a completely different career path and I’ve somehow managed to have a baby.

I’m a neonatal nurse.

I decided not to join the army after I met the Northern One.

I did get married, complete with the white dress.

I’ve not seen all that much of the world.

But I’ve seen so many other things.

On my last day of high school two of my friends drew a picture of the next ten years of my life; the only bit they got right was the baby.

Lord knows how that happened.

Rewind to 2004 and even though outwardly I seemed confident I lacked confidence in myself, I focused my self worth on academic achievements and I was pretty convinced that, despite attracting a number of people (of both sexes) I’d never find anyone to love me.

Today, in 2014 I am somewhat wobbly (especially round the middle), have increasingly sinking boobs, a mangled pelvic floor and marbles that I’ve managed to lose left, right and centre but I am more confident in myself than I have ever been.

I’ve bought a new life into the world.

I love him more than I ever thought was possible.

I’m battling and slowly beating depression.

I have a difficult job that I’m good at and that I love.

I’m married to my best friend.

I’m still a massive Bon Jovi fan

The ten years that it’s taken me to get here have been tough. There have been periods of stability, there have been times of emotional turmoil and there have been plenty of times when I just wanted to give up.

I didn’t understand why depression had to chose me.

The days when I screamed for mercy, cried in fear, begged and pleaded for everything to stop.

Just stop.

It felt like I was living in a horror film

Those days I felt like I couldn’t take another step.

But I did.

And here I am.

Still standing.

Still fighting.

Still refusing to give up, refusing to be beaten.

With a new year just around the corner

“Welcome to wherever you are, this is your life, you’ve made it this far…”

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