About a year before I found out I was expecting Squidge I thought I was pregnant.
My period was late, I had the worst PMT of my life and a persistent little voice at the back of my mind kept insisting that it was a possibility.
So I took a pregnancy test and it was negative.
But the little voice kept on.
So I took another test.
It was also negative.
In total I took ten tests which were all negative.
I don’t even want to think about how much I spent.
I also went to the GP, adamant that I was pregnant. I didn’t want to be, the idea made me feel dizzy and faint but I was so sure that I was and I couldn’t understand why all the tests were negative. He was very understanding but emphasised how unlikely it was that I was pregnant, thinking instead that my period was probably late due to the stress of recently having moved house and started a new job.
Rather than listening to him I googled early pregnancy symptoms and ticked them off.
Period late, tick.
Swollen, tender boobs, tick.
Feeling sick, tick.
Food cravings, tick. I ate so many lemons I thought my teeth were going to dissolve.
So when my period eventually arrived about 10 days late I was devastated.
Think sobbing in the shower so loudly that the Northern one heard me from the living room devastated.
Even though I really didn’t want to be pregnant at that time, it was shortly after my potential fertility problems had come to light. So when I realised that I hadn’t actually conceived child I started to wonder if I ever would.
Wonder if I’d ever be a Mummy.
I felt like I was losing my mind, I’d been so sure.
I felt like my body was deceiving me, making me think I was pregnant when I wasn’t.
I didn’t know what to think, what to feel, what was happening me.
A close friend announced that she was pregnant and I was so jealous but at the same time so glad that it wasn’t me.
It was something that took me a long time to get over.
So when I found myself experiencing similar symptoms July 2013 I thought that it was probably just a stress reaction coupled with really bad PMT.
The persistent little voice started up again so I decided to take a test, knowing that it would be negative and so the voice would shut up.
What actually happened was that I bought the test without telling my husband because I thought I was being silly. I took the test and popped it on the side of the bath thinking that the little window would pop up with a ‘Not Pregnant’ message quite quickly. One thing I’d learned from taking so many tests previously was that they showed up negative quickly.
I realised that something was going on when the test didn’t give a negative result straight away.
Instead the little digital hourglass symbol continued rotating.
I started to feel a bit uncertain.
Then the message appeared in the window.
In tiny digital letters that would change our lives forever.
A message that so many women have wanted to see
Waiting with baited breath.
At that moment I felt like the bottom had fallen out of my stomach.
I thought I was going to be sick.
I thought I was going to faint.
I didn’t know whether to scream or cry or do anything at all.
What I actually did was start yelling for the Northern one.
He ran in from the living room to be met with the immortal words “Northern one, I’m FUCKING PREGNANT”.
I have never seen a man look so much like he was about to faint.
He’d been playing a game on the PlayStation when I started yelling. He still can’t play that game or hear the theme music without feeling ill.
In a few seconds everything changed.
No longer was I just responsible for myself, I was responsible for a tiny human no bigger than a pea.
Something so small.
That changed us from two.