For the first time in my career a parent has made complaint about me.
Not a small grumble easily sorted or something said at a time extreme stress but a compliant taken straight to the sister in charge.
I feel sick.
I feel defeated.
I feel confused.
I wonder why I bother.
By the end of yesterdays 13 hour shift I’d not had anything to eat or drink in 7 hours, I had a headache from dehydration and no chance to get any painkillers.
My head hurts now.
I had done my best with the time and staffing available. I had prioritised the tasks and care to be given but by the end of the shift everything had been done.
I had done my best and it wasn’t good enough.
Yesterday I had asked to take some more complex babies, to work at the intensity I had been before I went off on sick leave and then maternity leave.
I want to be the nurse I was before.
Maybe I can’t be.
Maybe I had too long away from work.
Maybe my confidence is too dented.
Its certainly dented now.