For the first time in my career a parent has made complaint about me.

Not a small grumble easily sorted or something said at a time extreme stress but a compliant taken straight to the sister in charge.

I feel sick.

I feel defeated.

I feel confused.

I wonder why I bother.

By the end of yesterdays 13 hour shift I’d not had anything to eat or drink in 7 hours, I had a headache from dehydration and no chance to get any painkillers.

My head hurts now.

I had done my best with the time and staffing available. I had prioritised the tasks and care to be given but by the end of the shift everything had been done.

I had done my best and it wasn’t good enough.

Yesterday I had asked to take some more complex babies, to work at the intensity I had been before I went off on sick leave and then maternity leave.

I want to be the nurse I was before.

Maybe I can’t be.

Maybe I had too long away from work.

Maybe my confidence is too dented.

Its certainly dented now.

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